Good communication is the key to successful relationships. How we interact with our significant others is what determines the levels of peace and happiness we experience. More than the compliments and expressions of thanks, it is the way we don’t argue that makes all of the difference.
Couples will have disagreements; we are all individuals with independent minds and unique lenses. Thus, we are bound to hit speed bumps; but, they don’t have to be ditches. That is because there are constructive ways to address contrasting opinions without sparking arguments. Disagreements are just that, they can function as a healthy means to a solution (even if it’s to agree to disagree). Arguments are generally fueled by anger and do very little to tackle the actual issue. More focus is placed on taking shots at the person and the dispute usually goes unresolved while also damaging the relationship. Disagreements are not about trying to win; they are about resolution—which is more important in a partnership than winning. Victory doesn’t come from yelling the loudest or referencing past girlfriends.
Therefore, it is important that we don’t cross certain boundaries during heated discussion. Here are some of those boundaries:
- Attack your partner’s character
- Throw out baseless insults
- Focus solely on your points
- Bring up the past
- Assume you know what they are thinking, how they feel and ignore what they are saying
- Cut them off
1. Establish ground rules.
Create a plan for how you and your partner plan to tackle disagreements, including when to utilize an unrelated (emphasis on UNRELATED) third person. Put together an action plan for how you would like to solve problems. Write it down and hang it somewhere visible. Hopefully if one of you gets out of hand the other will calmly (though grinning internally because the person is doing more than the most) abide by it.
2. Respect their opinion.
People are more receptive to criticism and differences in opinion when their feelings are accepted as valid. Don’t make someone feel like what they think is ridiculous or invaluable. Regardless of how we feel about them, everyone’s feelings matter and should be respected.
3. Listen then respond.
Be quick to listen and slow to speak or risk making a donkey of yourself and, most destructively, cutting someone off. It is important to hear and process complete thoughts before responding to bits and pieces. Interruption is the key ingredient to an off-tangent disaster.
4. Express yourself wisely.
Think before you speak. Take ownership of your feelings and opinions by using terms like “I” and “my” to ensure the other person does not feel like you are attempting to speak for them. Your tone speaks volumes; so, it is also very important to consider the way your words will translate. In disagreements don’t have the luxury of relying on your intentions.
5. Don’t try to manipulate your partner.
Give him the freedom to have a difference in opinion and don’t try to make him agree with you. Forcing your feelings on someone else is just a way of telling them their feelings are unjustified—which is not your place.
6. Focus on the issue.
A disagreement should address two things: why you are upset and what you would like achieve through the discussion. The goal is to change (or at least curb) behavior, not get something off of your chest.
7. Explore formulas for compromise.
Consider the fact that you may be wrong or your opinion may be no more right or wrong than theirs. Look for a path to meet on common ground. Sometimes we have to give a little to get what we want—a solution.
8. Give up your right to be right.
Sometimes the victory isn’t worth it and we just have to let people be who they want to be and do what they want to do, however detrimental. Whether or not you decide to stick around and deal with it is up to you.
Remember, disagreements are a normal and healthy component of relationships. They don’t have to be I-hate-you-matches. Always close it out with love—a kiss, a hug. Be a peacemaker not a peace-breaker.
Via MadameNoire
