Whether you’re dating or in a relationship, at some point you’ve probably said something that made a woman angry. From your standpoint, you were only being honest—honesty is good, right? Or, you were simply trying to make a point—after all, your opinion matters, too. Or, in some cases, you were actually trying to help—isn’t it chivalrous to offer help? But unfortunately, your good intentions went awry. You pissed her off.
Conversation is tricky business. Conversation with women can be even trickier. Why is this? As a man, you have a communication style that you’ve learned and honed over the years, one that works reasonably well with other men or in your everyday life. But when you converse with a date or partner, you’re not only communicating with the other sex, you’re communicating with someone who will assign more weight to what you say. Which means it’s much easier to get into trouble.
Many men think success with women is about one’s job or income. Sure, these things are attractive to many women, but they don’t even come close to ensuring success with them. What does? How you make her FEEL. Do she feel respected and understood when talking to you, or does she feel disregarded and talked down to?
There are many conversational ditches one can drive into when talking to a woman, but most of them fall into three categories:
1. Criticizing Her Tastes or Beliefs
Clearly, openly criticizing a woman is a good way to piss her off. You probably already know that. But there’s a subtle, indirect form of criticism that can also get you into trouble: dogging a woman’s opinion.
For example, a woman you’ve begun dating believes in astrology. You think it’s stupid and tell her so. You gotta be honest, right? And your problem is with astrology, not her, right? Not quite. When you say, “Astrology is stupid,” you’re effectively telling her, “You’re stupid.” Likewise, if you deride her shoe collection or her love of Justin Bieber, she will take it as a personal insult.
Did you ever see the episode of Big Bang Theory where Leonard, a scientist, got in a big fight with Penny because she wanted to see a psychic? He mocked her, surprised that she would trust a psychic. The problem wasn’t Leonard’s skepticism over psychics (not unusual for a scientist); his mistake was mocking Penny for her beliefs.
“So what’s the solution here … never state my true opinion?” you ask. Not at all. You have every right to your opinion; the trick is how you express it. For example, it’s okay to admit you don’t believe in astrology or don’t get her obsession with shoes. But you want to show her that you don’t judge or knock her for being different than you. Stand by your opinions, but let her have hers. She’ll love you for it. Moreover, she’ll probably reciprocate by accepting your obsession with Fantasy Football or your devotion to Rush Limbaugh.
2. Needing to be Right
Years ago, when the TV show Frasier was popular, a very stubborn male friend of mine was convinced he recognized the voice of one of Frasier’s radio guests, who were often celebrities. The voice didn’t belong to who he thought it did, although it was a good guess. When we told him who the voice actually belonged too, he refused to believe us. Then, when the credits revealed his error, he still refused to acknowledge the truth. He didn’t care about the truth. He wanted to be right.
Sure, that’s an extreme example. But when you’re talking to a woman and know you’re right, or when you have a lot of damned good data to support your belief that humans were made to eat meat, that monogamy isn’t natural, or that there is no global warming crisis, what happens? Do you beat a woman down like a trial lawyer in an attempt to make your point? Do you persist in your arguments because you’re determined to rescue her from the abyss of ignorance? If so, you may win the battle, but you’ll lose the girl.
“So, what, in order to get laid I have to hide my belief systems or let her think she’s right?” Of course not. Caving in is no better than being obstinate. Instead, stand behind your point of view, but let her have hers without judgment. After all, the more you try to convince people you’re right, the more they’ll resist you. So why not do the opposite and cease the debate? She’ll feel respected and valued. And, in many cases, she’ll be open to hearing your point of view.
And don’t forget: what seems like Indisputable Truth to you is often little more than your entrenched belief system. The bigger the topic, the truer this is. No matter what you believe, there will always be people who believe differently.
3. Offering Unsolicited Advice
When I finished college and was preparing to move out of state with my boyfriend, an older man I worked with began questioning me about it. Did I have a job yet? Did my boyfriend? What was his job? Every answer I provided only gave this man more fuel to openly poo-poo our plans and offer me a heap of heavy-handed advice, as if there were no chance we would survive without his wisdom. But we did survive, and with little trouble.
Was I nervous about striking out on my own for the first time? Sure. But did I need some jackass (whose advice I never asked for) talking at me like I was incompetent? No.
You probably aren’t so condescending. Yet, do you ever find yourself telling a woman what she should do? When a woman mentions a challenging or difficult situation, it’s tempting to swoop down and rescue her, to be the wise one who saves the day. After all, she has a problem and you have the solution, right? I get it. Hell, I used to make this mistake all the time. Here’s the problem:
Offering unsolicited advice can send the message that you know what’s best for her (you don’t) or that you don’t believe she can handle her situation (she can, or will learn very soon!). In some cases your advice, while good, may not apply to her individual circumstances. And, most important of all, when a woman is in a difficult or troubling situation, what she often wants most is support, to know that you’re on her side. If you instead tell her what to do, she may get pissed.
To avoid this, lend a sympathetic ear, then offer your services without actually telling her what to do. For example, if a woman complains about her boss and you see a better way to handle him, ask her, “Would you like a suggestion on how to deal with your boss?” Likewise, if a woman tells you her mortgage payment has become an albatross around her neck, you could ask, “Have you considered refinancing? I have a good contact if you’re interested.” Make your willingness to help known. Then, it’s up to her to take it or not take it. Either way, you win.
In dating and relationships, conversation is an opportunity to connect with a woman. By rethinking how you phrase things, you can be the man you truly are while still making a woman feel respected and valued in your presence.
via Good Men Project
